Pieces of a Man

Like a meteorite coming to earth that breaks apart as it tumbles and falls such is the story but in reverse of me having to collect my soul fragments. Near death takes a toll, you can imagine how that story goes because when fear, violence and dread kick in and you think it’s the end of the road then what was once whole is blown into a smithereens as you float there, watching the show. You can feel them go, its like the sun suddenly turning cold, the light remains but the sensation is no more.

Makes me wonder, is this how ghosts are born? Can’t leave as they feel aggrieved by what went on and because they don’t know they’re no longer in physical form as the awareness lingers whilst intellectual processing gone. In that sense it must seem like a dream, timeless as one witnesses scenes but isn’t seen because you’re immaterial. Thats the deal. But just like those nightly views they seem real and one is fooled whilst ones point of reference is within. Anyway, that was an interesting diversion we’ll return to at a later junction as a drunken sailor once shared a fascinating tale of the not yet dead and how it relates to the electromagnetic spectrum as what he did witness is the reason why he sips, in order to keep what remains of his marbles rolling around his brain as he tries to process that which neither fits in a category nor can he replicate or explain. What a predicament for if he says what he thinks they’ll claim he’s insane or had too much to drink but if he doesn’t numb himself to the pain it’s too hard to get through another day. A paradox indeed and one common among those who have such a preternatural experience and the alienation it brings.

Anyway, back to the recollection of my soul fragments. It went a little something like this:

From before after and during there were a stream of women who can only be called strange, in the biblical sense. Either something was feeding on them or through them beyond this realm but most definitely something was up because they were all, in one way or another, damaged specimens. The usual suspects reared their heads, the kind of symptoms one lists when red flags are noticed except here was a steady trail of them, a parade if you will and the thing about self destruction is it is exhilarating because at last you feel more alive than dead. Even if for a brief moment. Tattoos, excessive piercings, a proclivity for drugs, alcohol and sex with more than a dash of recklessness thrown in. Low self esteem, an overwhelming desire to please, manipulation par excellence, the creation of illusions inside your head with ulterior motives fully present as an elegant web of lust, deceit and desire was spun. “Come on in” said the spider “I’ve prepared the bed”. Come and bed most appropriate in this case as I came to recollect “This must be what he meant went he said” as I realized I too had been Dirty Diana’d.

Apparently it’s a common theme, one of legend which goes back to the Arabian Nights, the thousand and one tale which says the same thing. Of men who were beguiled, bewitched and waylaid as they were seduced and reduced from their original state into something that lacked the inner sensory phase to continue to hold the sway and influence they had on their awareness before they came. Yes, sex is an energy. Spiritual EXchange way beyond this Game. This is why the right kind of orgasm can liberate you from your mortal frame as an out of body experience. Except when its done like this and you regain your wherewithal the thieves have walked away with the temples greatest asset. Not for nothing in the old country did they say “She has taken my liver away”.

Not heart, no no, but liver. Think on this and what I earlier said about the sun which is only light but no warm sensation as well as Prometheus’ tale and you’ll start to perceive what I mean. Or maybe you can’t relate because like the Drunken Sailor some thing are way beyond the frame of those who haven’t played at the depths where you have so much skin in the Game that parts of you get held hostage.

No more bets please!

I knew intuitively what was at stake, I also knew I had no choice but to ride the rollercoaster I found myself on as getting off would certainly cause a tragedy and thus I set off on a series of strange events and even stranger women. I’m talking from all around the globe. Vancouver, Toronto, LA, New York as well, an Australian, one who tried not to pretend she wasn’t from Lebanon, Polish, English as well. I thought the ride would never end. All separate and yet all imbued with one drive, one presence, one intent. To take what they already had of mine and extract further still. To kill someone bleeding is nothing, so it seems, to make him die breathing is a thing of beauty if you believe and think as they think and do as they do. I know as I’m living proof.

I had to do the dance. It’s like the meeting of two thieves with both knowing the other has what they need with the intent to relieve, artfully, by any means. Better yet is if you get them to give you the keys as they turn off all the security because then, on a karmic level at least, no harm no foul in your scoresheet. Some of them are so deep in the Game and have no intent to escape. Their debt to the house is so great they are pretty much staff on a salary at this stage. Called into to act in various psychodramas as required to advance plot points in those who play. You’ll see why I call it a Game because once you’ve been where I been you suddenly notice the strings, on others as well as self which is why I think free will doesn’t exist. Thats a fantasy, one of many we sell ourselves and then manufacture proof for as we hide the fact that we lie to ourselves.

Think of the Dirty Diana ruse like the moon, there is what you see but the rest is hidden from view. Underneath this all there is the secret truth, that without you there is no them. At least in the illumined sense because they reflect the light that you present and thus its all an illusion, hence why they covet what you bring and wish to keep it for themselves. And thus begins the deception which can and does lead to illumination if you manage to regain yourself. Like I said in the opening, the meteorite coming to Earth falls into fragments ergo the soul that wishes to ascend must make a trip around the planet to visit people, places and events in order to regain their own elements then fuse and cleanse them to become once again whole, in a sense. Except its never like this. You only progress and things you’ve witnessed can’t be unknown as you develop a level of awareness which simply transcends, this is the realm of myth and why such imagery and allegory is the very fabric of the human experience, something we’ll look at in detail as we examine the stitch and script of how we came to live like this.

I keep meandering, hope you’re keeping up my friend. The reason for this is there are no natural straight lines in life you’ll find and thus the divine moves spirally. This I can attest, directly as I went from here to there trying to make sense of the events and people present as the implications I could sense were definitely immense. Some times I fell and tripped, others I skated with elegance, a few I was brutally efficient and in one I checked mate before they’d even picked up a piece. All in all it was good because I reclaimed the pieces of my soul and I hear you asking: “Give us details, what does this all mean? I’ve read a thousand words off the screen but I still can’t see clearly”.

See therein lies the rub. I can’t make you perceive what I feel. Especially when its ultradimensional and thus beyond the realm of 3D. Language is super limited when one ventures into energy but read the Arabian Nights as there is a tale that describes it adequately or take the metaphors and imagery I’ve served and allow it to marinate internally and if you’re meant to you’ll turn the key. Ultimately we all will play on this level, at this difficulty because the Game of Souls is nothing if even as well as scripted to a T, my G. Or 22/7 = 3.14 unfolding to unfinity, see what I mean?

No, of course you don’t. So let me break it down simply and in the process remove all subtlety and what it means. The previous stop of the adventure was a few summers ago and since I’ve made leaps and feel way more of myself than I’d been for quite a while as my liver is at ease and no longer tormented by the Promethean eagle as decreed. By your own thoughts, deeds and actions are you freed because that is all you control ultimately. Here goes:

Girl enters the scene having been prepped accordingly. She sidles in with a veneer of flirtatious energy because as I’ve said before they give to get and the bait is hooked before they stroll on the scene. See Buddha with Mara for an example of what I mean, it’s a tale as old as dirt and one all on the path to enlightenment meet with varying degrees of brutality. Oh the humanity! So like a game of poker in the flesh where either side wants to get what the other does posses the stakes are high as we dance as it’s an exchange of wills, intent and energy. “I’m going to L.A, Vegas as well and the Golden Gate” said she “I have a friend who went to China instead she made an absolute fortune”. Did you see it? No of course you didn’t but in that simple exchange the tone was set because it all happens in an instant and you’re either present enough to flip it or sit there later on wondering “What happened?”.

By going West you will always have less because that is where the sun sets, remember what I said about its reflection, warmth and presence? To go on a trip means you pay ergo you spend and gain the experience of going where you went. A Lost Angel is a misplaced soul aka the fragment I intend to reclaim from her reach – how it got there? Ask her parent, I say one as she hated the other to death, purely out of her own ignorance at what it was that placed her in the predicament she calls life and led to the steps which caused our paths to cross. Actually lets delve:

You’re playing pool, hit the cue which smacks red then yellow before another red sinks. Thats transference. The universal principles of spin, motion, resistance as well as the energy which animates them. Thats how all relationships and interactions are when broken down to their constituents. If a girl steals a warriors liver she doesn’t do it in the physical, unless she’s a honeypot organ thief with Scopolamine on her lips to give you a deadly kiss as you wake up in a tub of ice wondering how you got into this. Look, you’ll see the same images. Like I said, myths and levels all the way from now in Mexico to back then in Arabian desert. Energy clicks and clacks. There is an exchange, things are said with both mouth, mind and flesh and like a fencer you must counter with elegance or find yourself impaled on a blade so impeccability thin you only realize that you’re dead once you’ve been murdered in silence.

I know I’m not dealing with a person. Her presence is entirely irrelevant. Like flesh on a skeleton it gives it characteristics but its the bones which bring the heft and presence and thus its like I’m negotiating with a terrorist for the release of my soul fragment. Obviously they’ll never give it up because they’re only there to get more and if not a pound of flesh will suffice as they’ll add that to their war chest. And so we dance. For almost a year in this instance. The aim is simple:

I have to move around the pieces of the puzzle life presents as embodied by this woman by decoding what she said and meant in order to unlock the combination which brings the part of me she obtained via astral chicanery back into the fold of my presence. Doing that I’ve also got to avoid the abundance of rage, pain and shame she carries within and attempts to hide, even from herself. The latter emotion is the one that connected us as the last piece I had to collect was shame. Such a corrosive emotion as it destroys so many of its counterpoints easily. Say goodbye to serenity, trust, acceptance, joy and ecstasy as they are corrupted into vigilance, rage and loathing laced with grief. A part of me wished to help her, such is my natural state of empathy but I knew that its all deceit, even if the feelings are real as she lies to herself as much as she lies to me as the truth is too bitter for her to approach directly. So whilst I was lacing my game to reclaim the worst part of my history, personified as it was by the girl standing in front of me.

Here’s something to help you perceive:

I was also dropping insight on the way so she could also self free because I know she wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t suffering as much as me. We’re all broken into pieces. Everyone in this reality gets the rough end of a crooked deal because the stage at which we’re playing is all about feeding the beast and its desert, main course and entree are the same plus its always hungry. For innocence, that inner sense with which we’re born abundantly but few get to keep beyond the age of three. If you reflect, I’ve just given you the key, twist the lock and you’ll be free. If only it were that easy, like I said subtlety. All of which I’m mangling as I render into text the experience of her and me, the Dirtiest Diana most certainly.

You know how they say women with the lowest self esteem give you the best sex? It’s true because they think so little about themselves that they’ll willingly degrade and allow you to treat them like a hot mess just so they can think “I bought that pleasure to him, me, I’m something special”. Of course that never lasts because broken pots have sharp edges and beyond a temporary dalliance in which the sparks fly for a moment no man with an ounce of self respect will tolerate the baggage that comes with this so they’re dumped, fast and quick, the moment you meet a better prospect. Women in general don’t handle rejection well, especially when it comes from left field and this can actually motivate them to kill. Or at least think about it and here we meet. This was her internal state, written large across her face. So in effect I had to dance through a minefield without losing a limb whilst avoiding all manner of traps and various distractions in order to reclaim my shame which I’d then have to take home and cleanse, reintegrate and reparent to ensure my entire electromagnetic spectrum was once again present and correct. Except this time it had been raised an octave so it would be much more vivid and powerful, alls well.

There were various interactions, bits of this and some of that but the mate was stale. Like bread that had been sitting out of the wrap for so long it was about to mould on the table. Yes at 22 years old she was the most complicated I’d yet to beat which spoke volumes of how broken she was internally as I may have been fragmented when death came and visited me but she had been shattered and then the remains ground to smithereens and a kaleidoscope of chaos was all she perceived as reality. If thats all you see then thats what you create and leave in your wake. To me that means you’ve got a train wreck waiting to happen and the driver is drunk in the seat as she leans on the accelerator of self deceit.

Now stop and think for a minute, this is all unfolding in my awareness ergo she is an embodied personification of an element of me. Yikes! So glad I did the inner work needed to cleanse and heal because on reflection it was so accurate it’s scary as we are driven from beneath the surface via events and emotions we neither notice nor perceive as we act on their energy. Instead they poke and prod like a rider with a whip and we, as the horse, unaware of the manip run off, real quickly, in the direction we’re pointed which is why after we often sit and scream “Why did I do this?” as we witnessed how we just blew up our life into ever finer pieces.

Anyway, I had to think. I’m speaking to shame made flesh. A part of me I’d rather reject than accept and then it hit me. I’ve got to befriend that corrosive emotion and accept it as it is. And thus began my salvation which took me almost two summers to accomplish on this the final test, the boss stage of that level if you will. Instead of kicking philosophy and things from the realm of the intellect I went straight to the emotion because the reasoning being that if I tell her what my shame wished to hear from me it will instinctively reject not only her presence where it ran because it knew it would fit in and find plenty more like it nestled within her head it will transcend and thus come back under my influence, a healed soul, no longer a fragment.

This last part is important because it’s all we want on some level. You must accept as is to make it into something else. If you wish to shape a pot the clays presence is essential and how you spin affects the end of the process. Same thing here I came to realize so I spoke to my soul and told it I think its perfect as it is and truly meant it and this caused an immense and immediate shift because I accepted what defined itself by the feeling of reject. On the physical level the girl, possibly due to other things in her life beyond our exchange – like I said, she was a train wreck in a short dress with ink stained limbs that stood as testament to the hate for herself as piercings straddled her form as a socially accepted way to inflict pain on her flesh when she couldn’t place herself in situations to make herself someone else’s victim and thus could continue to blame them and rage whilst engaging in destructive habits all the while sending the message to her parents that “I hate you both but one so more I willingly desecrate what you made for making me feel this way” – she quickly started to change. Massive bursts of emotion, tears, withdrawn etc she was all over the place. A part of me was concerned for her safety, beyond what I had to reclaim because regardless of whats at stake there was a human being suffering and in immense pain. Sure some was an act, a pure display designed to manipulate as she could feel the fragment she had being wrestled away as my own presence held more sway and the rest was super real and plain as day as a vent for her inner state.

Things came to head when I flipped the master switch. Imagine a part of you that always felt rejected, something you never wanted and then proceed to fill with memories of bad events, people you don’t like and all sorts of emotions like this. How would that part feel? It would feel shame at existing and bringing you all of these ills. That shame could easily rage as it flips from here to there trying, and failing to fit into your idealized image of self. Just before that it all clicked, I had a dream she’d killed herself. Well almost as I came in to a building where she was hanging and pulled her down of the ledge, took the rope from around her neck and set her down before I left. Not a word was said during this sequence but I did notice some new ink on her chest, we’ll get into the drives of tattoos and emotional events somewhere else, that made me wonder about the mess I was in and the implications of everything.

As fate would have it, as it often did, she “just happened” to pop up at that moment and I said “I had a dream in which you had some tatts underneath your breasts” and she replied “Oh you mean like this” and showed me the same things. Now this was interesting, did it mean she was going to kill herself? Is that the implication of me regaining my soul fragment? That hate and shame are the only things keeping this poor wretch holding on to her flesh? In that case she could have it, if she needed it more and it would prevent the events I’d foreseen from happening because suicide is a tough thing to inflict, not only on yourself but those who remain in the flesh to pick up the pieces that are left and I simply couldn’t class that as a win, no matter what I’d get, even if I’d fail the test and would thus reincarnate again as you can’t get out of the Game unless you leave with all you came in. If you stop and think you’ll see I’ve just given you another key about the karmic nature of relationships. How many fragments are you unwittingly chasing from previous brushes with life and death? Could that be the reason you feel a nagging emptiness or why certain people you meet have an almost magnetic influence that makes you feel like more of your self with them than you ever could be alone? Are you starting to see the code that falls around and so few sense?

Anyway, things had came to a head and I was squeezed between a rock and a hard place. I’d been through so much since I was first tongue kissed by death that warm summer day over 10 ago that lead me to lose and gain things that would take a lifetime to explain to one who wouldn’t get as they lack the inner experience of non physical realms and here, it all culminated with this. It felt like your life or theirs, someone has to lose for another to win and it felt so unfair. Strange really because its not like it had been all above board and smooth sailing to get there but to have to face this. If she died I in effect killed a young girl who had just set out adventuring and was trying to come to grips with the pain she felt filled her from within and tucked away in her electromagnetic spectrum was a piece of myself that either may be the key that sets me free or means I have to repeat another lifetime in the flesh. Decisions, decisions so I think.

“What if I just tell her the truth? That I was broken into pieces by fate as my friends decided to murder me one day and chunks of my soul escaped, flying through time and space to embed themselves in a different range of ladies who embodied the vibration which resonates and I flew around the world getting them back so I may reintegrate their rays back into my solar spectrum so I may actualize my highest potent”

You know how crazy that would sound? What would I expect her to say? “Err, right?” with a confused look on her face. People don’t like the truth, as a rule, as they’ve been conditioned by lies as that is the nature of the Game whereas I realize that honesty everywhen is the only way to get out of this realm. As you can see there was a lot at stake and I’m up in a spot when she comes by with her friends, not a glance my way.

Ah yes, I know this game. The cats cradle meaning I’m here, just where you happen to be, isn’t that strange? But don’t think its anything to do with affection or because I want your attention. Those who own felines know this well as its their natural state in contrast to a dog which falls over itself to tell you you’re so great and how they’d do anything for you. Anyway, I’m getting up to leave after I’d been doing what I do and she says “I’m leaving, going away” with a strange look on her face. A part of me can already see the noose swinging as I dreamt of the other day. But then I remember, it didn’t end that way. I pulled her off the ledge and removed the rope from her neck and went on my merry way, yes, I did that happily and just like the dream had said there was silence there as it was today. Interesting, I think, but then roll up her friends so I asked the coven if they could give us a moment and at that she runs off to her car, wailing.

Now I was concerned. There was a part of me that thinks “She isn’t going to do it, this is all for attent and besides in the dream you saved her so do what you need to in this moment and redress the balance”. Another part of me thinks “Sure, go ahead. Gamble with someone else’s life when you could make a difference. See what that brings and if you could live with the consequence”.

I walked to the park and see her sitting in her car, jabbering real hard into her phone and then it flowed. Like inspiration from near and far, not how to kill two with one stone but how to save two souls with some words using the dual reality principle which I outlined at the beginning, where we say one thing on one level which has different implications in the next (see travel plans and the example I laid out at the head) so I grabbed the door, stuck in my head and said:

“We should be together”

and watched her face quickly flip through a Rolodex of emotions and I knew that I’d win, won and was winning. She wasn’t going to do anything, I regained my soul fragment filled with shame and left to get on with my journey of self healing. Case closed. The end.

If you’re wondering what I meant and haven’t figured it out for self then it goes a little something like this:

Parts of yourself that have been exiled generally fell like they’ve been rejected from your awareness and thus they dwell in the subconscious realm where they mumble and groan about why they live like this. As you can imagine they develop a victim mindset and that corrosive energy calls more to it like them from your life experiences that you edit in your head as you jettison events you don’t like into the abyss of your inner realm. This is why most people are truly frightened to look inside themselves as they’d have to come face to face with these ghosts who rattle age old chains as they tell spooky tales of events you’d wish would just go away. They are there, in each and everyone. Plain as day under the noontime sun as there is ultimately nowhere to run so they hide in your physical and cause the pain and torment your doctor can’t treat. The vanishing and re-appearing injuries, the back pain which knocks you out or the so called age related maladies. All are due to these emotions and states we disown as “Not me”. They have to go somewhere and often to express they are projected out into reality meaning the angry man finds people to make him rage, frequently and easily. The woman who feels worthless always picks out the men who make her feel weak and treat her poorly. Both get to keep on blaming others, the parts they disown get to speak freely, albeit through anothers energy and so on it goes.

Rinse and repeat.

My life was the same but more dramatic as you’ll see because I died in a sense and had to rebirth myself internal and eternally via the interactions I detailed on your screen. Now, the prime motivation for suicide is that people feel “No one cares about me. If I died no one would miss me. I’m a burden and I’ve got no reason to be”. The suicidee whilst still living rarely thinks to test this state of mind to see if it has any basis in reality and most people in their lives never reassure them of this need as they take for granted and assume you implicitly know how they feel.

On the flip, a part of yourself that felt so intensely exiled that it actually leaves not only your mind but physical frame and spins out as pure energy has the same resonance that “No one wants or cares about me” so it gets in where it fits in. Hence misery lxves company.

The antidote to both of these? Such beautiful simplicity:

“We should be together”

And with that I beat the toughest enemy whilst simultaneously making myself complete after a decade of wandering aimlessly as I put myself back together piece by piece. This is my story. This is where I’ve been so trust me when I say I’m well versed in all aspects of pain but better still I know how to create, or more accurately release, the joy thats within as that is our natural state of being and one if we employ then we all win aka the nonzero principle.

Till we meet again