I Fully and Unconditionally Accept My Self

“I’d rather be anyone but me” she said, after a few drinks. That is, usually, when the truth begins to slip from most peoples lips as the guards of their defense mechs start catching Zs and the underground rebellion they suppress makes its way to the surface. That was actually one of the first things she said, back when, not long after we’d met and started talking:

“You know you’re really, really strange? Don’t you? Like, no “Hi, how are you” small talk or even introducing your Self. Nope. You just come stomping in with Soul probing questions that I’m quite certain most would feel uncomfortable even considering, let alone answering”.

“And yet, you did. I’ve learned to pick my targets quite well. Call it a sense of resonance, intuition or what you will. I can tell in an instant who’ll be receptive as I’m simply talking to their energetics but as the other night shows its a pretty simple skill as you just speak from the chest and the rest falls in“.

“How on earth did you get to be like this? I mean, its obviously not factory settings so there must be some stuff behind the scenes that went into the making of thee. I’m intrigued with what this is”.

“I fully and unconditionally accept my Self. I guess thats the secret, if anything”. With a glum look and eyes that slightly dimmed she said:

“I’d rather be anyone but me” and then caught herself as her hand raised to her lips to prevent another spill of what she’d kept wound up within. “I didn’t mean that”.

“Yes you did. You and I both know it. Its ok to hate the (false) self because, in many ways thats the first step to acceptance as one must take in the lay of the land as it is before hoping to make changes“.

“No, I mean I really didn’t mean that. I like who I am. Really I do. Its just the world thats the problem. Or, to be more accurate, most of the men that I’ve met. I’ve got all the things people would term as success. I’m rich, young and attractive. Everything you need to win but I can’t help but feel like a loser, now and then“.

“Now we’re getting somewhere. Keep going”.

“You know, you’re very easy to talk to? Its like I sense something opening within I wasn’t fully aware was closed until we met. Its quite strange, Mr Svengali, and yet you’re stranger still. You feel like a low dose hallucinogen from back when that was the trend but irritatingly addictive as random comments you said keep reverberating around in my head. I mean the revelation that I wasn’t the voice but the one listening. That one was sheer genius. Genius!”

“How hard it is to see what is directly in front of thee if you’ve been trained to miss it. This is why I said that most are little more than flesh puppets that are incapable of decoding the resonance I hit you with, back when”.

“So, you really mean it? Like, one hundred percent? You wouldn’t trade places with anyone else on the planet? Not even if they were super rich, wildly attractive, totally preselected, with the best of everything and a bright future in front of them? Even then you’d choose to be you? A dude who, lets be true, is mooching around the world with barely anything to his name and acting like its all a Game that plays out inside his head? Gosh, even saying it out loud makes me smile on occasion as it sounds so… schizophrenic and yet I look at the world and the psychosocial treadmill effect and realize thats actually outsane. Just like I said, these snapshots reverberate in my brain as you can’t unsee the wires life tried so hard to hide on its meat marrionettes. Is it lonely? I mean, being a rebel misfit that says off the walls things and is more familiar with death and unrest than standard existence?”.

“In a sense, yes, but I learned to comprehend that something has to give and if I’d been dealt the same type of hand as the rest in this multi-sensory casino that floats in the abyss then the end result wouldn’t be this now, would it? After all the ingredients dictate what the chef brings to the table and, in many ways, I was born to be a legend and that tends to bring its own issues to the table as part of the mix”.

“Ha! As humble as always!”.

“Woman, I’m excellent at being modest. Its one of my best strengths and I truly mean this because only the (false) self needs aggrandizement. A diamond Knows it is“.

“Thats why you’re a girls best friend?”.

“You could say this. If they have the resonance. I mean, how many of them comprehend the link between the rock which is dazzling on her finger and the red hot bed they shared before the ring that shifted to a place with a cold chill not long after the celebrations dimmed? Better yet, of them that spread their legs on the side for an old flame, illicit, how many click that they remove the ring before cheating and the commensurate shift in their energetics, now unfrozen?”.

“They don’t. Truly. Most of my friends are married, many of them to an image that is built on a mirage for public consumption. Picture perfect on the outside but hollow within. You know I think you’re correct when you said this is the end of conventional relationships as people want as many slices of cake as they can get and would rather sit in a rotation with a man in demand than one that is devoted to them”.

“Thats the true nature of sex. Men are hopeless romantics dressed as realists whilst women are the flip, ironically. I mean, it makes a lot of sense from the evolutionary lens as having a kid is a commitment and it can tear that svelte frame to ribbons as not many want sloppy seconds, genetically speaking. Then there is the hoe phase to get out, the need for attention and being away from parental supervision which is why higher education is pretty much non stop rutting and excess for most women as anything goes, back then, before the urge to nest kicks in and they’ll usually take what they can get and not who they truly wanted”.

“You describe people like they’re machines sometimes. So cold and clinical. Have you ever killed anyone?”.

“Would it really make a difference? Better yet, lets flip it. Did you know I’ve saved a few lives with random, out of pocket quips, that went on to prevent them offing their switch, later that evening. I guess a lot of heads have my thoughts reverberating in them at opportune moments. Would that even the scales, in the end?”.

“You avoided my question”.

“Yes. I have”.

“What? Dropped a body or talked in riddles?”.

“You already have the answers. I’m just a man with questions. Nothing more needs to be said. I plead the fifth!”.

“Ah! You really are incorrigible! Its like a constant battle of wits. I mean, I like it but hate it as well. I couldn’t imagine living like this. Its just too intense as you’ve literally got no chill and just say things, off rip, without a single, solitary F given. I’m surprised no one has taken umbrage to your flippance”.

“Wavelength, like I said. Most people still have an ember, glowing inside of them. I just show them how to flow and they do the rest because nobody ever expects the Spanish inquisition, yes? Same thing but I’m uplifting Souls instead of suppressing in the name of religion. Some of the most interesting conversations have been with what most would term social rejects. Schizophrenics, murderers, strung out addicts. You know, the kind of people the rest of the world wouldn’t even consider engaging. Wavelength, again. Get in where you fit in. When you come up from the bottom of the barrel you tend to meet some interesting peeps in ascent and Witness the kind of scenes in the flesh others usually see via the safety of a screen and distance”.

“So you have killed someone? Why else would you mention that again plus if thats the type of company you’ve been keeping then it explains a lot of things about a little bit because most sane people avoid those who are dangerous. You know, basic Self preservation? Don’t talk to strangers? That kind of thing?”.

“What would you do if the worst thing that could happen, did? What next? You survived and have two choices. You can either pick up the pieces and try and rearrange them to make sense or you can leave em on the floor and keep it moving as you celebrate being an immortal that walks among common men. There have been so many attempts on my life that I’ve stopped counting and consider them as part of my involution beyond the flesh because a wise magician knows never to pull the same trick on an old audience as someone in the mix will spot what kicks, with a grin. It took a while for me to get it but when it clicked it set the wheels in motion for unconditional Self acceptance to kick in because, sometimes, you’ve got to lose your mind to come to your senses and by that I mean easing the conditioned aspects due to events you can’t predict that truly test your mettle and this is what separates the boys from the men. Case in point, the hypothetical trade you envisioned with the grade A specimen?”.

She nodded her head and raised her drink to her lips.

“Do you think he, in any way shape or form, would’ve been battle tested or put in work in the trenches to get where he sits? No and nope. Some of us started so far behind in the race of life that when the rest get to the middle aged spread we’re celebrating finally being in position to sprint from the runners blocks which is akin to living twice at the same time with the “If I knew then what I do now” mindset in which everything is a win because failure is seen as feedback and the bricks that pave the way to the ultimate win”.

“Which is?”.

“Liberation aka get free or thrive trying“.

“See!” she said as she leapt. “Theres that contradiction again and its infuriating as how can one so full of vim that wishes to live be totally hooked on death as well? It doesn’t make sense as its quite a morbid topic and yet it seems to underpin everything as you can take any conversation to it via a link that makes sense but most never consider at depth”.

“Death is mans best friend. Its more so the fear of death than the act itself that scares most of the plebs. Did you know the ancient Kemetians were obsessed with their final exit from this realm as they spin around the Van Allen belts in transcendence where their heart, filled with desires, was weighed against the feather light Soul that came in. They saw the Game for what it is. Same, I suspect, with the ancient Mayans that just up and vanished from the historical record after building their temples. I think that is going to happen again but thats a deeper topic. Imagine I could flick a switch, this instance, and you started to recollect past lives you’d lived. Nothing grand and flash. No time as the queen of Egypt. Just a random peasant in a Siberian village, back when, eking out an existence with a quick glimpse of singing songs to your kids as you tucked them in to their bed in the one room you possessed and shared with a doting husband before getting up to do it again. And then take this” I said, gesturing around at the plush apartment. “For contrast and mix it in. Spot the difference where you have everything the last spin lacked but also possess none of its inherent richness”.

“Great, now I’m depressed”. We sat in silence until a smile crept on her lips.

“Wait a second. I get it. I get it. So what you’re saying is we keep going round and round again until we get to the point where we’ve had our fill of the flesh with its various juxtapositions in which you’ll never, ever get the full spread in one incarnation as its designed to be seductive like an elevator pitch mixed in with a cliffhanger for each life you get that has you reinserting your Soul as a credit for another go in the Game that makes you forget how good or bad you had it when, in the end, you asked for it. Ha! Thats some twisted genius or a kind of circus attraction designed to trick the plebs into constant respawns which always seem new and fresh but is cleverly designed to keep you consumed by your consumption under the veil of ignorance about whats truly happening beneath the surface where gnosis always was an option“.

“And thats the secret because, eventually, in one of those lives you’ll become Centered in Self and comprehend you are eternal. In, not of this realm. Just visiting and wearing the skin that lets you interact with the Game as you are something far more subtle and powerful. Then, maybe, you too will bounce around at random and get into interesting conversations with people you just met who don’t recollect you knew them, real well, on another spin not matter how many hints you slipped from the first time you linked in the current incarnation“.

Till we meet again