Everything in life in pulling you somewhere. This can be a pretty abstract concept to grasp which is why a sense of detachment is vital. Often that to which we are drawn is familiar, safe and known. The opposite tends to fill us with dread because its uncertain but then, once upon a when, the sense of mastery this brings generated a huge amount of thrill because we considered every misstep as feedback, not failure, and this process of constant refinement allowed us to excel.
Sadly this was beaten out, trained or waylaid along the way and thus many people are dragged, kicking and screaming, to what they never even dreamed they were capable but secretly craved anyway. Let me give you an example:
A woman got divorced. She was heartbroken. She had thought her marriage would be an always and forever thing because they were the picture perfect couple. Thing is her man liked to spread his affection around town and then one day just decided to up sticks and move in with his mistress because they were a far better fit. She was desolate. In pieces. Eyes constantly rimmed red as she bawled about what had happened and a whole load of “What ifs?” that solved nothing whilst exacerbating her problem. Thats when we met. The first thing I said was “Congratulations!” as she looked right and left to see if someone else had walked in and was being addressed. “Huh? What? I don’t get it? I asked you if you can help me get him back. Or at least bring some closure to this because I did everything he ever wanted. I stayed trim, did the dishes and treat him like a king and yet he runs off with this overweight single parent and is now playing house with them. I hate him”.
“Him or her?”.
“Both of them. They deserve each other”.
I waited until it clicked what she’d just said.
“Oh, I see. That still doesn’t change anything though. I can’t believe it happened”.
“What? The end of the relationship or the shattering of the perfect image of marital bliss you’d been creating which obviously wasn’t what he was feeling otherwise he wouldn’t have left. I’d be willing to bet you also felt equally and oppositely unfulfilled in your own way, yes?”.
“You know what, I can’t call it. Let me think about it”.
I told her to take a pad a pen, write down a list – both pro and negative – and then pop back in. A few days later she did this and was looking quite different.
“I really am a selfish bish” she said, as she handed me the list. “Every single thing was about me, indirectly. All I did was mainly for others to say we’re the perfect couple because that made me feel intensely validated. Same thing with him, I constantly aimed to please and minimize conflict but was actually seething with resentment that I’d never fully acknowledged. Who’d have Thunk it?” she added, with a grin.
Now, to me that was obvious. Its very easy to tell who is a surface dweller and who needs depth in a relationship and whilst these two meeting can be intensely attractive there comes a time for a split because he needs a bit more friction and she finds out the shiny trophies of the image don’t actually change a thing within.
“In that respect your split was inevitable. You’re just mad you didn’t get a chance to monkey branch away from him as well as the dent thats been put in your public perception because all you wanted, first and foremost, was to be seen as perfect. Life isn’t very fulfilling when lived like this because its akin to a plastic fruit bowl that may look really convincing but is kind of tough to bite into and digest, yes?”.
She nodded her head. I handed her back the pad and pen then said “Go back and trace out all of the equivalents, links and Patterns you saw from the relationship of your own parents and those of influence and we’ll continue the conversation”. To say that she skipped out would be an understatement because after three and half decades of near total Self ignorance she was actually getting somewhere when it comes to truly knowing. See, in this situation, him leaving had pulled her down to his level but in her own subconscious ergo the emotions that were manifesting actually had very little to do with the relationship but were actually hints about all of her own things that weren’t dealt with.
What people from the outside had never seen is that she constantly withheld sex, was often uncooperative and frequently sullen in private. This contrasted with her whole doting housewife spiel that she did just to do but its the little things that drive us insane and now she was face to face with how she was, up close and personal. The next chapter was asking her what he did in return and that list was so wildly unbalanced as he’d pretty much underwritten everything for her out of his pocket as well as being a pretty decent guy who just wanted a place to rest that was away from stress when he got home from the office. Instead there would be frequent and petty arguments about the most inane things. These are the type of straws that often cause camels spinal problems and I’d be willing to bet it was the reason he dipped because this lady was extremely passive aggressive and pretty much uncommunicative when it came to anything of depth. Pretty common for surface dwellers and if they pair with one of their own they’re generally quite happy as life becomes an endless cycle of distractions with the bare minimum of progression when it comes to Self awareness.
Don’t get me wrong, men do appreciate a bit of friction. It keeps things interesting as you know there is a fire in the kitchen. Its also why the Crazy/Hot scale exists and how they get away with it because looks will take you pretty far when it comes to handling your mess but there are only so many nights one can lie beside a cold fish that looks really glamorous but is missing that special something within.
“See, there is a relationship between these types of passion and I’d be willing to bet that the main problem in your life was in bed”.
“What do you mean? I was the best he’d ever had. He said this” she said, feeling proud of herself.
“And yet he traded you in for a used model with more mileage. What does that say? I bet that dented your self esteem a little bit, didn’t it?”.
She was forced to admit that she couldn’t make any sense of this bit and had even tried stalking him on the web to see if she was on his socials but there was no mention. Even taken to a bit of private investigation and thats how she knew she was a single parent.
“Plastic apples do not deliver on their promise. Sometimes an imperfect orange is just what was needed but the you who you are becoming is quite different to the one he left and thus its a gift because in the end you won’t be quite so synthetic”.
To cut a long story short she started getting more and more into Self realization and realized from where her immense dread and fear of delving beneath the surface was coming from but that I have to keep private. What I can say, however, is that she now looks at that period of her life the same way a caterpillar considers the chrysalis death because what came out the other end was quite different in scope and application and is actually far more content as she feels like she’s in her element as opposed to handling the stress of presenting a picture perfect image to the public whilst seething in private due to her lack of fulfillment. I’d guess he’s probably pretty happy as well and it just goes to show what I meant when I’ve said that this realm is all about energy exchange and thats why Warriors grab the hot coals that are thrown and hold them in the moment to reveal the diamond within because if you don’t learn the lesson life will represent the situation with another playa who will do exactly the same thing until you get it and make that shift.
This is a really, really basic overview of a surprisingly complex concept but you can take the above example and apply it to your own life, if you wish. One of the things I initially said when she drew a blank with the list was to write down the difference between how it seems to another and what she truly feels. Once she garnered this link the ink started flowing and more and more pieces started to swim into her awareness and the rest handled itself.
In that respect there is an odd kind of forced evolution at play on the planet and it can be pleasurable or torturous, depending on your level of awareness, because in any form of relationship the other is never, ever the problem. You are. Thats the only way you can do anything about it because we are simply interacting with figments of our own imagination made flesh that replay various bits and pieces of our energetic imprints back until we get that the finger pointing at them actually hints by aligning three at the true cause and thus only solution.
Till we meet again
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